Tuesday, February 22, 2005

request to repost the "How to send me hate mail"



Honestly, if you're going to take the time to tell me how much you hate me, make some effort to do it in a way that's not going to bore me. I've been called an "asshole" so many times in hate mail that it's just lost all its charm, as have all the major profanities. So, I take points off for profanities, unless they're used in really new and exciting ways.

Here's a quick workshop on that, using that old reliable, "Fucker":

"Fucker" -- No good. Plain. Uninspiring. Trite. Hardly registers a blip. Needs oomph. Needs... a modifer!

"Toad Fucker" -- Better. "Toad" is not the usual modifier here, so that's good, and of course it's an interesting mental visual

....."Choad Mongering Krill Fucker" -- Now we're talking. This insult works on so many levels. "Choad," of course, is a great piece of slang, not nearly utilized to its full potential in everyday invective, so it's still a nice fresh slap to start the insult. "Mongering," likewise a great verb: Sounds great, first off, but also obscure enough to thrill -- after all, who mongers very much anymore? "Krill Fucker" implies that you're so hard up you'd screw a baleen whale's morning snack and, inasmuch as krill are microscopic shrimp, it also says you have a dinky little wanger (otherwise, of course, how could you fuck a krill? It'd just break apart). ....

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